Can’t Attend Classes? Don’t Worry, We’ve Got You COVID.

That’s a bad pun, and I apologize. But if this pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that we are obligated to laugh at cheesy dad jokes. And at this rate, I’m pretty much a giant block of sharp cheddar.

The experience I longed for most as an undergrad at 45 years of age was taking part in campus life. Mind you, I had taken about 3,427 classes at my local community college over the last 25 years, but that was the path to transfer into university. A long, daunting, arduous path (and absolutely nothing against community college, I wouldn’t be where I am without it!).

To me, University equated to my major, which is Literature & Writing. Rubbing elbows with my peers. Discussing Hamlet in a group setting. Joining writers’ groups, critiquing our work. Impressing professors with my charm and wit…shut up, it’s a real thing.

Instead, like millions of others, schooling was moved to online learning. COVID-19 wasn’t messing around. At first, I was miffed. Jokes aside, I had looked forward to the classroom environment. I enjoy the energy when a topic is brought up and everyone gets involved. I looked forward to adult conversations about subjects I am passionate about. And let’s face it, I adore my 7-year old, but I can handle only so many conversations about My Little Ponies.

Thing is, online learning has turned out to not be so bad. In fact, while my own child is out of school, it’s working out perfectly; I can’t imagine how I’d have juggled five days of on-campus classes. A few classes are synchronous, with regular Zoom meetings (which aren’t nearly as impersonal as I thought they’d be). A few are asynchronous, which means I can work on what I need to do when I want to work on it (no slacking!).

There are several pros. No traffic. No parking anxiety. No $600 parking permit needed, for that matter. I easily save $200 a month on gas. Group work, which I loathe, is also online! The refrigerator is right next to me. I can have a cocktail, for Christ’s sake. Most important of all, no matter what I do that’s school-related, the bathroom…is right down the hall!

The pros of online learning certainly outweigh the cons. But the truth is, I crave in-person learning. The very point of Literature & Writing is to discuss, share, banter, argue, and enlighten each other.

I also wanted to make friends. I did a lot of that in community college, and I miss it. But this time around it’s my major (are you sick of the italics yet?)! Like-minded individuals. Networking. Reading each other’s work. These are people who might be my colleagues one day.

I know things could be worse. I’m lucky I’m in a position to be going to school in general, while others struggle deal with far worse issues. I simply have to hope we all get through this and come out the other side stronger and better! And, with a lot of crossed fingers, things might returns to some kind of normal come fall of 2021.

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Group Class Work, or Hand Me the Noose

If you have taken a college course, you understand there are unspoken rules. For one, the professor will always be late. Next, anyone who sits in the front is definitely an ass-kisser (I sit in the front so shut up). Also, if you sit near the door, it will be your job to “get the lights” from that point forward. The seat you pick on day one is marked with your scent; when someone else sits there you will feel the fire of hell rage in your blood – you won’t do anything about it, but you’ll want to.

And there will always – always – be group work.

Group work is the bane of my educational existence. When the syllabus is passed out, it’s the first thing I look for. But watch out, for sometimes professors are sneaky. On Week 7 the syllabus might read that your 10-slide PowerPoint on The Sand Child by Tahar Ben Jelloun is due. No Late Work Accepted. Well, gosh, that’s not too bad. A PowerPoint is eezy-peezy!

But no. Suddenly your glee is shattered when the professor says: “Sorry, guys, the syllabus has a misprint on Week 7. The PowerPoint project is a group activity. So go ahead and break off into groups of four…”

These are times it would be nice to have brought a flask to class. Or a noose.

I’m by no means an introvert. I’m not frightened of group work. I’ve met some really interesting people this way. But it NEVER FAILS: there is always that One Student who slacks off. That One Student who has more excuses than a six-year old with chocolate smeared across his face. That One Student who is taking the class as an elective and Just Wants it The Fuck Over With. Sometimes it’s two students.

I get it. I do. An elective class is basically bad sex, with text books.

This semester I had to do the exact PowerPoint project listed above. Even with COVID destroying everything, like in-class activity, it didn’t manage to bring group work down with it. Via text I had to join forces with three 19-year olds with selfie-ready school profile photos and jaunty emojis in their messages. “OMG!” “LOL!” *insert eye roll*

We knew for two months this project was due. We picked the book. Two weeks prior, one of my teammates – let’s call her Sandy – began a Google Slide document. I started it. She added to it. I edited, so did she. For a week we spruced up our presentation with photos, quotes, themes, and analytical content. It was a thing of beauty. Our other two teammates graced us with a text or two, but they may as well have just farted into the ether.

The day before the project was due, I was ready to cut a bitch. Sandy and I did everything. I sent one last group text that read: “This is done and I’m sending it in. It would have been nice if Sandy and I didn’t have to carry this whole thing, but I guess she and I don’t have bitch-ass shoulders.”

Project sent. Grades dispersed. My complaint to the professor was worthy of a Pulitzer. Did anything come of it? Who knows. In the past I always let it go, so sending the email was a big step. I’m not looking to ruin academic careers here, but I sure as hell hope karma wants to cut a bitch once in a while.

Or hand out nooses.